Saturday, April 28, 2012

Never give up!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

 With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

 In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. 

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. 

My girlfriend Kristel & her husband Jason
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

Happy Friday: Some Nights

Happy Friday!

My zodiac today states
You can relax at last! The time is perfect to get ready for the challenges that up to now were just anxieties inside you. If you're thinking clearly today, Cancer, it's because you have the strength to face your problems. Now that you have your self-confidence back, you might open your heart even wider to someone dear.
I know people think horoscopes & zodiac signs are silly. but I am a firm believer. I don't know why I just am :)

This has been a very long, draining, frustrating week for me. I have been planning Indiana Early Childhood Conference which began Thursday and ends Saturday. But not only this I have been planning 3 other events that move in next week. On top of that I feel as though my life is in shambles. Slowly but surely I am gaining control. More importantly regaining control of my own happiness. Which at no fault other than my own has been put in the hands of someone else. What makes people happy?

I came across this little quote this week and it is sooo true. And so everything in my life right now. I just need time and space for myself. I'm really in a bad place right now. But this too shall pass. I just need to focus on the bigger picture and not try and understand every detail just accept things as they are and for what they are and move forward. Somethings you just cannot control. But your own happiness IS something you can control. I read a tweet this week that said, "We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes out way." I have soo much more to be joyful in my life than this misfortune. Soo enough of that... I don't want to bore you too much so we shall move on. I'm super excited for Friday (even though I work tomorrow, WOMP) & of course the sun is shining!! I think I will go on a little adventure this weekend. :)))

Anywho, I went to the Pacer's vs. Bulls game with one of my best friends, Antoine, on Wednesday. We had a great time. (We always do) Which will lead into a topic I will touch next week sometime. I super excited the Pacer's are in the playoff!s!!! #NAPTOWN. Just in case you don't know here is the playoff schedule.

Some weekend link lovin...

There are still genuinly good people in the world.

Awesome People Hanging Together, one of my fav Tumblr's.

LOVE this! Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling & Jc Chasez singing 'Cry For You'.

Some words worth reading from Tina Fey's book Bossypants.

4 Things The Hunger Games can teach us on the war on women.

Lessons from an Imperfect Love Life... We could all use some tips.

I lovee me some Spanx. the creator is now a billionare!

I love to see this. One of my classmates from Purdue still giving back!

5 moves to blast that belly fat ladies!

I seriously cannot stop posting pics of my girlfriend, Kristel's little baby girl. I love her so much and haven't even met her yet! <333

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with new adventures! Here is some music to get it started!!


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Only way to grow...

Excuse my absence. I had to take some time to really think about what I was going to say. At first I was not going to speak on the subject but then I guess if my blog is titled ‘More Linds’ I have to really dig down and give you more of myself. Or I should say give more of me, to myself. If that makes sense. I’m still not going to go into complete detail of recent events but yea.
I could pull one of my quotes out from my 45 page word document of sayings, quotes, and favorite lyrics. But I am just going to use one of the more recent ones I have come across from last weeks episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Meredith really nailed it on the head with this one.

  • “It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on until you let go of the past. Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point, you just have to let go. Move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow.”
I really wish I did not live in never never land. I seriously sometimes have no grasp on reality. I wish/hope things to go one way and they hardly ever do. And this is not just in relationships or situations. This is an everyday thing for me. It stresses me out when things don’t go perfectly out how I have them planned in my head. And although I do always bounce back it does affect me greatly. As I try and change and to think more logically I seriously wonder if I even have a brain sometimes.(sad but true)  I def. walk and see through the eyes in my heart not the ones in my head. At times I wish I was different but other times I do not because it really does make me who I am. And yes, change is good but I don’t want to be cold hearted. Maybe I just need a better balance of the two.

I had a friend tell me once (and forgive me I can’t remember the exact words) they would rather be in a situation with the mind rather than just the heart. This is clearly where I am at. It is just unhealthy and has been for a long time. But then again this person also called me insane I guess do to the fact I keep doing something over and over  again and expecting the different results.

I don’t know and that isn’t the point. I’m in a really tough position right now and just hurt I guess I have brought it upon myself and partly to blame. And as of now I’m just trying to put my best foot forward and do what is in the best interest of myself. But it is just so confusing. Like when is it enough. How do you know? I just don't understand. Bla! My mind is seriously in a whirlwind but only I can make the choice to stay or leave. Like how do you know if something is meant for you or not? It is such a werid feeling. I guess I just need to grow some balls Lindsay and go with my intuition on the situation.

Any who on another note, i went to Bloomington (Indiana University, one of the top party schools in the country) this past weekend and had a complete blast! I know I am getting a little older to be going to college parties. But dahwell. It was just what I needed and I got to see my sister. As you can see above I was quiet inebriated.
My sister had a quote on her refrigerator that said, "If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got." This is so true in my current predicament. Something has to shake.
I know this post is pretty vague but I don't know what else to say.
 My girlfriend, Maria, is moving to Dallas today. We had a little going away party/outing for her this past Friday. Here is a picture from dinner of all the girls. Maria is in the yellow. She took pictures of me last summer when she was starting her own photography business. Check them out here.
Hopefully now I will be back on track with my posts. :)

Monday, April 16, 2012

Music Monday: Lost In The World.

I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time
I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time
'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time
I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night
Your my Devil, Your my Angel
Your my Heaven, Your my Hell
Your my Now, Your my Forever
Your my Freedom, Your my Jail
Your my Lies, Your my Truth
Your my War, Your my Truce
Your my Questions, Your my Proof
Your my Stress and your my Masseuse
Mama-say mama-say ma-ma-coo-sah
Lost in this Plastic life,
Let's Break out of this fake ass Party
Turn this in to a Classic Night
If we die in each others arms we still get laid in our Afterlife
If we die in each others arms we still get laid

I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night

Who will survive in America
Who will survive in America
Who will survive in America

I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night

Us living as we do upside down.
And the new word to have is revolution.
People don't even want to hear the preacher spill or spiel because God's whole card has been thoroughly piqued.
And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey.
The youngsters who were programmed to continue fucking up woke up one night digging Paul Revere and Nat Turner as the good guys.
America stripped for bed and we had not all yet closed our eyes.
The signs of Truth were tattooed across our open ended vagina.
We learned to our amazement untold tale of scandal.
Two long centuries buried in the musty vault, hosed down daily with a gagging perfume.
America was a bastard the illegitimate daughter of the mother country whose legs were then spread around the world and a rapist known as freedom, free doom.
Democracy, liberty, and justice were revolutionary code names that preceded the bubbling bubbling bubbling bubbling bubbling in the mother country's crotch

What does Webster say about soul?
All I want is a good home and a wife
And a children and some food to feed them every night.
After all is said and done build a new route to China if they'll have you.

Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

& never forget.

I was going to write this post and pretty much complain. But then I decided that it is too beautiful outside for me to sit there and bicker of all things going wrong at the moment. Instead I need to highlight all the things going right, there are certainly more anyways.

My moms’ youngest sister, Carey Bryson, is certainly an inspiration for this post as well as an inspiration in life. I kind of don’t want her to read this post simply because I don’t think words can measure up to the woman she has become. I can remember (not really) being a flower girl in her wedding when her and my uncle got married when I was like two or three years old. She was there in Maryland when I was born while my mom was in the navy and always says she was there when I took my first step.

My mom told me awhile ago that she wanted to take this Midwife trip to Uganda. A trip to help train midwives but certainly helps the local community by delivering an average of 20-30 babies a day. She was unsure because it does cost a lot and she does have 5 children that still live at home with her and my uncle Steve. But I logged on facebook when I woke up this morning to see she has purchased her ticket. I’m not sure when she is going but this seriously is so wonderful!

I could go into so many details about my moms’ side of the family but I will leave it simple. They are amazing! I love them so much and so proud to be apart of the Marsh lineage. My mom has traveled Russia and Honduras on trips to learn more about nursing and their practices and now my aunt is going to Uganda. Who would have thought?!

Not that I totally believe everything my aunt stands for or does but I totally support. I remember in college writing a research paper based on her and my cousins. It had to do with homeschooling your children and how it affected them socially. And as far as my younger cousins it has not affected them one bit. (I got an A of course!) But I learned a great deal from them and all they are involved in. One of my cousins is only 16 years old and is already enrolled in college courses! When I was younger my cousins were my best friends. We seriously did everything together. My mother is the only one of her siblings that only had one child. Therefore I have no brothers and sisters (well on her side, another post, another time) I'm not as close to them as I used to be but they certainly have helped shape me into the person I am today. And seeing the relationship they have with each other as well as my mom to her sister I cannot wait to have a large family.

Oh. Did I mention that my mom is the only one in her immediate family that graduated from college? Well besides myself. She is a Registered Nurse! woop woop!

 Above is a picture of my aunt from the 80's lol

To the left is a picture of My Cousins & I what looks like on Easter.
(Me, Gay Marie, Logan, & Clark) These aren't my Aunt Carey's children.

Here is more information if you want on my aunt's trip to Uganda. Click here. There are plenty of ways to help.

"Never forget where you came from otherwise you will never know where you are going."

And so many times we point out all the negatives going on around us we forget to look at the positives from situations.


Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy G.O.O.D Friday!

Happy Good Friday people. I just want to take a minute to note that today is the day Jesus died for us and our sins. Growing up in private schools Catholic practices was shoved down my throat. But I am appreciative of my upbringing and lessons I have learned from the Catholic Church. Not that I was confirmed or do I follow their teachings I have taken some things from it, such as Lent, I always participate to strengthen my relationship with God and myself. Although, sometimes I do question religion and my own personal beliefs I do believe that belief in something higher than yourself is important for survival. Other than that this week has been pretty uneventful.
I have been continuing to think of and make different recipes. This week I made a strawberry cake. It originally was supposed to be cupcakes but since I never really follow the recipe and kind of do my own thing I ended up making a double layered cake (note: for the first time) and it turned out amazing! So my grandma wants me to make another for Easter this Sunday!
Random but one of my all time favorite movies, “You’ve Got Mail” makes a hilarious Godfather reference when Tom Hanks goes," The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.' What day of the week is it? 'Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday." #random lol
 Speaking of Good Friday G.O.O.D Music has returned. About time!
Most rappers taste level ain't even at my waste level,
Turn up the bass level till it's at your face level
Don't do no press but I get the most press kid.”
Check out “Mercy” here along with Kanye West new track, “Theraflu”
Want to know 10 healthy ways to help a hangover? Naaaa, me neither. Lol. I just need some French fries, a fountain Pepsi, and a prescribed ibuprofen my mom gives me! But just in case you do click here.
Full Package + Hero = Ryan Gosling
Yea, Mitt Romney might be winning over states he is not ‘winning’ with the ladies. Check out why.
Make your own beauty products at home with all natural ingredients.
Beyonce is everything. She is now on Tumblr & Twitter (so I hear)

 "I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you can't tell I'm reading 'The Great Gatsby' again. I seriously can't wait for the movie to come out this summer. I lovee me some Leo!

Next week I will be back on twitter & facebook, maybe. We shall see how it goes. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Free at last.

Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.
– Zooey Deschanel
I lovee this! It is soo me. I also love me some Zooey. This kind of reminds me of one of my guy friends. He says women lose their ‘tenderness’ at the age of 23. Therefore mine has been gone for almost 2 years now. I just won’t let it go lol.

·    Anyways. I am finally free at last! Last weekend was my 6th weekend working in a row. I do not have another event for three weeks! I can’t express to you how ecstatic I am! What a great way to bring in April!
·    I had multiple friends give me feedback from my last post. Brought up a lot of good dialogue. I appreciate it all ;) & to piggyback up off what I said here is "What Generation Overshare we can Learn from Biggie."

·    This is probably one of the funniest tumblr’s I have EVER seen! Lmao
·     I love when my coworker, Kayla, sends me an e-mail stating that she doesn’t feel it is an appropriate time to be hungry for lunch yet. She seriously cracks me up and I swear we are always on the same page! It is nice to be able to click with someone in the office especially since I spend 76% of my time here.
·     Take this Ethan Allen quiz to find out your signature style. Mine is Romance (of course).
o   The results are in – your Signature Lifestyle is Romance. Inspired by distinguished European furniture designs, Romance delivers bespoke charm minus the fuss. It’s a fresh take on pretty that harmoniously blends carved woods and handcrafted finishing details with dressmaker fabrics. Layers of rich texture, curvaceous silhouettes, and antiques-inspired accessories complete this enchanting look.
·    Here is an update on how my 25 before 25 is going. (I really tried hard not to spend any money besides necessities for 2 weeks. It was extremely hard. But I think I put forth a great deal of effort)
·    Interesting point of view on dating ‘intentionally’ & the ‘three date rule’ (brought up some interesting points that might lead into another post in the future. Hmm)
·    Check out Chanel’s ‘The Little Black Jacket’ promo. Pretty dope.
·    I found this article stating how some of Hunger Game’s fans were disappointed in some of the characters. (racist). Not standing up for the comments made but I know sometimes when I do read a book and then a movie is made I get upset that the characters aren’t exactly like I pictured them.
·    “What the Psychic Knew” funny, I found this article a few weeks ago and was saving it for a rainy day. But my good friend , Brynn, and I just recently has a long conversation about this. And how we believe. This article furthers my inclination. For my 25th birthday I hope she takes me to her guy. She listed way too many things that have come true in her life. I hope this finds you.
·    You should seriously start every single day off like this! I love it!

  ·  The curl chronicles. I for sure need any help on how to maintain my hair. I’ve been living with out of control hair for 24 years now. And I am still trying new products.

      I could keep going for days. I find links and just save them for a rainy day. But I think I have given you enough for today. I hope you all have a lovely week and enjoy the sunshine.